A letter to you at 6 years old

My gorgeous boy- well, this letter has been a long time coming. Since Barnaby has come along I’ve barely been able to catch my breath and the lovely practice of writing to you has seemingly fallen by the wayside. Something happened today, however and I felt called to pick up the virtual pen again and tell future you about it, so here we are. 

Today a dream I’ve had for you was realised- something so simple but as precious a moment as a mother could wish for. You started to tell me,  off your own bat, how much you love wildlife! You were almost giddy with excitement describing to me all the simple things you love about it. “Even just a patch of long grass can be full of wildlife!”, you said. Of course its not really a surprise you feel this way. I  see your love of nature first hand every single day. I witness it calm and enliven your spirit simultaneously. Over the last few days, for example, I’ve watced you create and attend your own bug enclosure, you’ve spent the summer so  far, doting  on our tiny pond and all the life it’s housed, raising caterpillars to butterflies and spending every possible moment running to and from the garden. There is no doubt that you are in your element in the natural world but today, to hear you put into words how it makes you feel; to hear you articulate your feelings on it so well and with such joy, well it really was a perfect parenting moment.

Give a child a 10 foot pool, he’ll swim in a 2 foot bucket. 

Especially when your other great love is video games. I’m trying to stop feeling guilty or fearful of this side of things. It’s hard to be completely dismissive of something that brings you so much happiness. Ever since you were three you’ve had a love of retro video games once a week for a few hours on  a Sunday you’re allowed to play to your hearts content. Mario is now and always has been your favourite and we have many a toy to prove it. It’s been half your little life and I don’t think that will ever go away. You definitely have staying power when it comes to your passions. Your 3 big loves seem to be Mario, dinosaurs and sea creatures.

Home made bread and hand picked flowers

We’ve been writing a book together about all your interests. You, me and Daddy. We didn’t know it was a book at first, you would just ask Daddy to print whatever you were thinking about that day. Eventually we had so many prints that we decided to bind them together and turn it into “the book” you dictate and I write and label the pictures. It’s a good an indicator as any for what your interests are. We have a Mario chapter, a Pokémon chapter, a section on prehistoric animals, there’s a part of it dedicated to miscellaneous fictional characters, and one for mythical creatures and finally a section each for creatures of the Sea, land and air. My favourite caption so far  is “I think this is a water pokemon, but if I’m wrong, I’m wrong” the sort of unflinching honesty missing from your average encyclopaedia ! 

You come up with so much funny stuff. Other gorgeous things you’ve said lately: You were asking about why people go to prison and you said “maybe they’ve had a cigarette in a place where you’re not supposed to cigarette.” and today you told me if you hear me swearing you’re going to punish me by swearing back at me. Your certainly have a powerful sense of what’s right and wrong! I’m going to be a terrible disappointment to you on the morality stakes. 

Of course, your moral compass goes a little out the window when it comes to your brother. Then it’s all fair in love and war. You’ve been rough housing almost since the day we brought him home. Make no mistake; he gives as good as he gets. You’ve definitely forced him to create the most hideous scream, which we’re all treated to multiple times a day. I can hear it ringing in my ears now, hours after he’s gone to bed. It usually happens when you nab a toy back after he’s stolen it from the pile you’ve strewn around. Years ago now Nanny suggested you didn’t need to get all your toys out every single time. Your response was “but who will watch me play”. It seems you still hold true to this idea as there is always an arc of toys surrounding you. And woe betide the brother who breaks up your audience! 

Showing Daddy the reservoir 

There are some days when it feels to me like you two do nothing but fight, but the love between you is just as powerful. The other day we were walking through the woods and you told me “I care about Barnaby more than any thing in my life.” Which is saying a lot because you are a little man with a lot of love to give. One of your favourite things to play is being a Daddy. Today you had two dinosaur daughters who you named Rose and Petal. Every so often you’d stop and say to one or other “I love you, honey” and then you’d quickly even it up by saying to the other “Don’t worry. I love you too” clearly a father who understands the importance of keeping both children on an equal footing! 

Well, Theodore Robin I’ve enjoyed writing this immensely. I shouldn’t have let this practice slide because writing these letters is a balm to me. It is so easy to get stuck in the mundane world of the day today. I spend the vast majority of my time feeling worried and tense. I want so much to be doing everything right but I feel sure I’m doing everything wrong, that things are bleak and that I am failing you. Then I’ve sat here for half an hour and my mind’s  been flooded with memories of  moments of pure perfection.  You are the most overwhelming thing in my life. Being your mother is exhausting, draining, headache inducing and relentless but sitting here writing this,  I realise for the first time in months that  above all it is magical.