Things I have learnt from writing my first feature film

Things I have learnt from writing a film.

A couple of moths back I was commissioned to write a feature film. It times it felt very tough and at times it seemed to flow from me with the ease of water in a stream. I thought I would quickly write some of the things I’ve learnt about myself along the way. I’m not really going to edit this. I have had quite enough of that for the moment, so I do apologise for any spelling errors or sentences that drop off into the abyss!

1. The hard work comes when you’re not writing.

Since the project has begun I have been working solidly on it, despite only having sat down to type less than 10 times. It has been a constant process. I am either thinking about the material or worrying that I am not working enough on the material. Everything has been filtered through the prism of this  work. I have thought so much about it that by the time I sit down to write the words flow out of me because they are already formed in some recess of my brain that can only communicate with the outside world via the physical process of writing. That part of my brain seems to have direct access to my fingers but not my mouth or my inner monologue so when it comes out it feels entirely knew and dictated to me. I know characters names and how they speak and what they say and even what they look like, which when you’re writing a play or screenplay is a funny thing because you know no matter what they aren’t going to be exactly as they are in your head. I have heard people describe writing as a process and through this project I have started to understand what that means. You can not judge how much work a writer is doing based on what it looks like they are doing and more importantly I must not judge myself negatively for not sitting down at a computer every minute of every day.

2. I am easily put off by fear of how it will be received.

So the biggest stumbing block has been feeling that my work wasn’t instantly adored. This writing and the ideas behind it very quickly began to feel  like a child that I don’t want people to attack. I became like a hyper sensitive mother, where anything less than instant adoration felt like a horrible affront. I guess it is the same as being an actor; at first criticism is hard but  you learn to accept that it is a part of your job and then eventually you become hungry for it. I need to get that way with writing. It isn’t just that I don’t want criticsm though, its that I want instant faith and enthusiasm from people, which when you’re being commissioned is not something I think you can expect. Of course they are going to want to make sure it’s going to work with them. I must try to be a bit more understanding in future that me talking enthusiastically is not enough to convince people that the work is good. Only the finished product will do that. If I were buying a dress, I wouldn’t be able to feel excited by the dress maker saying “you can’t see it yet, but trust me it’s the most beautiful dress you’ll ever see.” I found worrying about whether it would be well received really slowed me down and made me fearful, when it didn’t have to.

3. I am capable of lots of different style of writing.

I didn’t think I would ever write a beat poem in my life but I have and what’s more I didn’t think I would love it and I do! Be experimental. Everything about this project was an experiment and it paid off and I am very happy with it! It taught me to challenge myself and my ideas of what it is “I write”! Don’t limit yourself.

4. I learnt that I am a writer.

I’ve been saying I am a writer for a long time now and I have written bits and bobs in the past but I have never really owned it. I’ve said it shyly, fearing I would be caught out. Now I can say it with pride and with the knowledge that it is a hard won badge of honour. As an actress, I felt I had earnt calling myself that as I slogged away for three years to gain the title. I still felt a bit of a charlatan using the word actress until I got my first job and even now in slow times. I worry that my right to call myself that is slipping through my fingers, but nevertheless I can always that my profession is that of actor. Now I feel I have finally had the baptism of fire I required to fully own the title of writer, at last.

5. Writing makes me feel funny.

The moment I finished writing and reading he final speech and seeing that it met with approval, I burst into tears! I hadn’t expected that at all. I felt like Emma Thompson at the end of sense and sensibility. It was just the sheer relief that I had managed to complete something that I was proud of. That said all the things I set out so say and never made me feel compromised or disheartened. All day yesterday I felt pumped with a nervous excitement I’ve never felt before and I lay awake all last night unable to stop giggling. Even now I feel uncontrollably exhilarated. I didn’t expect it to have a physical rush in the way performing does. I didn’t expect to leave the project on a high the way you do at the end of the show but here I am manic with energy. That is just so unexpected.

6. I can only write when I believe in it.

I don’t mean I only want to write when I believe in it, I mean I quite honestly can’t write something that I think is a terrible idea. Nothing will come out. To leave my hands the words must be something that I feel happy to put my name to. I am not the sort of writer who can bash something out regardless of whether or not I think its good. I have to love it to write it.

7. I draft in my head not on the page

Someone asked me during this “is this your first draft” and I thought “fuck, I forgot about drafts… should I do more” Now I get when there are other people involved then the need for drafts might come into play but in term of what I present by the time it gets to the page, save some typos and a little rephrasing as I go along, drafting is not something I need to do for myself.

8. Now I’ve done that I can write anything.

Like I said, I’ve earned my stripes as a writer now. I can complete big projects with relative ease (it was hard but it never felt impossible). Now there is no excuse. I have lots of ideas buzzing around my head for the next project. The sense of self worth and excitement is addictive and I am ready and excited for whatever I do next. There is no stopping me now. I am a writer!