A letter to you at 16... and 17 months!

Chocolate face

Oh goodness! When I started writing this letter, you were 16 months and a few days- now your 17 months! That in itself sums up what life is like with you – it’s all consuming and leaves very little time to sit down and write about what life with you is like!

Anyway, here it is, I’ve finally done it and this is what its like to be your Mummy right now:

So I guess the biggest developments at the moment are in the communication department. You’re well and truly starting to talk! You say 3 words regularly and clearly-

1. Bye or sometimes even bye bye. This is always accompanied by a wave. You do it to cars driving by a lot, or things you’ve dropped and you even use it as a method to shut people up when you’ve had enough of them. We went to our favourite spot recently to watch the sunset and you said bye bye to the setting sun! You also often use it to say hello. Although in the last few days you’ve actually started saying hi and hello sometimes too. It started off as Baaaa but now it’s distinct, clear and unmistakable. Not so long since you had me and your nanny in stitches saying baaaa as you slammed the spare room door in our faces! 
2. Ball. So since just after my last update you’ve been very interested in developing your football skills. I had a first aid night at mine and half way through we noticed you dribbling a ball around the room. You then proceeded to hurl your weight on the dummy’s performing your own, very efficient brand of CPR. You are now learning to throw and catch too.
3. Your favourite word is DUCK. You say it perfectly and It’s giving us a little clue as to what your beautiful voice will sound like; so sweet and high and sing songy. Why duck? Because your favourite television programme is Sarah and duck. In fact its all our favourite show. it’s really quirky and soft and delightful- my favourite episode is the one where Sarah has a dream about a toggle button and they play duke Ellington throughout- impossibly charming. So you say duck all the time to beckon it on. Also if I say “Sarah and...” and leave a big pause you finish it off by saying “duck” we’ve also tried to show you real ducks to so you don’t just think it’s a cartoon character name and you have ducks in the bath that you call duck too even though the look really different from THE Duck, which I find very clever!

Dancing on Elie beach

(actually some time has gone by since I wrote this and we can add a couple more to the list. You’re saying hi and hello, you’ve added buck into the mix. This morning you said “poo” repeatedly but in reference to a spoon and my absolute favourite so far your attempts at saying Hallelujah which comes out as various different things but mostly lands on an ever so sweetly said “lala”. Also today I heard both car and cat and you pointed at the bear on my top when I said bear. You’re definitely a language machine!)

Alongside your exciting word rotation, you are an incredible babbler. I will so miss your babbling when you start using proper language all the time. You can communicate so much it sounds like you’re saying sentences all the time. Half way between a word and a babble is another favourite of yours- wow! Or often “WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW” which we see as your homage to Kate Bush and often reply to you by singing “Unbelievable”.

The other week I was thinking that you didn’t seem like a sensitive soul, wondering if perhaps I would find it hard to teach you to put yourself in others shoes but then a day or two later Sonny was needing a cuddle and asking for one over and over from his Mum, you stepped in, hugged him and laid your head on his chest in such a sweet affectionate way. Not only does that show that you are in fact beautifully sensitive but teaches me that you’re full of surprises.

(also since then you’ve begun to show great affection for stuffed animals cuddling them unprompted!)

Up with the grandparents

I think it frustrates you that you can’t quite talk yet but you know what language is for. You have this sort of angry squawk when things aren’t quite going your way- usually if you’re being changed or if there is a cake in sight but out of reach, or if something you need is caught up in or on something in a way that you can’t release it. Out comes this squawky noise that means “help me” but sounds a lot less pleasing to the ears. It definitely gets my attention but there isn’t always anything that I can do. I hate the thought of disciplining you. I have shouted at you a few times – on occasion as a tactic but also when I have lost my patience. The last thing I want is to become a shouty mother but it’s hard to know what else can be done when you can’t be reasoned or bargained with yet! The handful of times I have had to shout at you I have definitely been more upset about it than you. You are unbelievably resilient, which you display every day with every little knock and scrape- No scratch, bump or bash slows you down! The other day you were in and out the back of the garden house, well at one point you must have lost your footing while leaning on the door to steady you and you had a little tumble. You were sort of dangling with your head squished between the flowerpot and the step, I’m pretty sure most babies would cry- heck most adults probably would, but you were casual, almost unaffected, patiently waiting to be rescued!

a regular hang out spot

A really exciting thing since the last letter- you had an amazing doctors appointment in which we found out your repaired heart is working beautifully and all signs suggest you might well be in the small percentage of patients with your condition who never have to have further operations another testament to your crazy strength and resilience!

You chose this Rabbit

Music continues to be a big feature in your life. Daddy puts on the music channels and you love to dance. I notice that’s it’s not the knee bend bops I used to see now you get the hips involved, the arms,  the head all of you has  rhythm! Who knows what the future holds but whatever you do with your life I think there will be a strong physical element to your future. Also we wonder if you might be an engineer, like your Dad- you love to work things out and are fascinated by cause and effect. The  example I give when I try to explain your engineers brain is the day that I watched you sitting of the sofa trying to reach something. You couldn’t, it was too far over so you got off the sofa, pushed the coffee table up to the sofa, and started to crawl across it so you could reach your destination! If that’s not a sign of an excellent problem solver I don’t know what is! Also you love swimming even though you still don’t really love the bath. I put you under for a second or two each time you go swimming and you greet that with patience and mild surprise each time it happens.

We’re still co-sleeping and I can’t imagine life any other way. I love to hear your relaxed breathing near me, to know you’re just there so can provide you with your night feed in our half asleep state. All night long every night we seem to do this endless back and fourth dance, moving all around the bed, I often wake up with my legs dangling almost entirely off the bed which Matt thinks is because I move down to protect you- I love to think that even in my sleep I’m doing my Mum job. I’m really proud of how things are going on the attachment parenting front and although things aren’t completely without their difficulties I like to think our sleeping habits are part of the reason your such an assured and confident little person.

Celebrating a year since your operation on brighton beach

Emotionally things are difficult for me. My post natal depression, intrusive thoughts and anxieties are very present and living in a place where I feel isolated a lot of the time sends it all into overdrive. I question everything I am doing as a mother, all day every day and I undermine my own confidence. I long for the feeling of absolute unity we had when you were in my tummy and I could keep you safe and protected all the time. Every bump, every tear, every uneaten or worse, unserved meal, seems to add to this feeling that I’m doing it all wrong!!!!! You’re so happy and confident and brave and I worry I’m fooling you into putting your trust in me. I don’t know how to shake that feeling and I’m haunted by the idea that this is all a self fulfilling prophecy and that I’m really I’m trying to wriggle out of being your mummy! I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to grow up with a million and one insecurities because you had me as your Mum. You’re this perfect person and I’m terrified of ruining everything that you are. I want to be a better person, for you and it upsets me that I’m not doing anything to make that happen!

At the hospice, keeping us all going. 

There has been a huge change for us all in the last four months. My dad, your Grandpa died and grieving for him takes on a whole new complexion as a mother. He was not just your grandpa but your great mate and biggest supporter. My dad loved you with a special kind of adoration. I think he knew from the moment you were born that you were the last baby he’d ever have in his life and he savoured every moment he had with you. He was there on the day you were born and you were there on the morning he died. The timing was remarkable- You and your Daddy popped into see him while I was at work, you left the hospital and just as you arrived home, he died. I don’t think there was any coincidence in this. I think that the dying have some control over the to exact moment they go and I think maybe he was waiting just to be near you one last time.

I worry a lot about you not having him in your life. He would have been such a positive force to grow up with. He would have helped you to have faith in your abilities, made you feel special, made you laugh, taught you that its ok to cry, he would have been your biggest champion, made your concerns his but helped you brush it all off and start again. He would have given you all this and so much more I can’t even put into words, just like he gave all of his children and it physically hurts to think that you won’t benefit from all of this. On the other hand, as sad as it is that he has gone, I am so glad he got to be a part of your life for the first 14 months. You shared so many amazing moments. He buoyed me up throughout my pregnancy, he saw you within hours of your arrival, He got to be over joyed when you came through your operation, saw you laugh for the first time, got to perform next to you on stage, holidayed with you, sang happy birthday to you when you turned one, even in the last weeks of his life at the hospice you made things so happy for him I’d put you on his chest so he could interact with you, you’d smile and laugh with each other. He always wanted to see you, his bubs! I know you made the last year of his life magical and I hope that somehow, the love he poured over you in the first year of your life stays with you forever.

So on to the recurring questions:

Chats at your welcome to the world party

Adventures since I last wrote: We had a big welcome to the world party for you. You had your first flights and holiday abroad. Me you and Nanny had a wonderful time in France. Highlight: you flopping head first into the sea-twice. Your first ever trip to Cornwall- Highlights sitting with you on Porth Curno beach properly swimming with you in the sea and sitting on the sand with the tide coming in and the waves lapping at your toes. We also just got back from Scotland and that whole holiday was full of magical moments with you. I especially loved seeing you bonding with Suzy the dog!!!

Weight: hmmm haven’t had you officially weighed in a while but judging by how I feel at the end of the day I say you weigh as much as a small car.

Food: This is still a sticking point. You’re quite fussy really. You eat weird stuff for a baby. You like strong flavours but you tend to love something one day and not the next. Rice and beans is a winner at the moment though.

Sleep: Oh you dream boat. You sleep right through, stir a little half way through the night but as soon as I give you the bottle your off to sleep again.

Favourite toy: Balls, cars, shape sorters, stacking cups.

Habits: You squat a lot- mostly to poo. You reach out and point a lot at things you want or just like or cars going past. Holding objects up to your ears like everything is a phone! Scooching round in front of me while I’m cooking and insisting on being cuddled. Peaking out of our cat flap at the exciting world outside.

Things to watch: Sarah and Duck is the big one but also Bing, Hey Duggee and Puffin Rock, which I save for bed times. Trying a new thing now where we have no screens til 5pm unless very special circumstances like driving or me trying to doze a bit longer in bed!

My Favourite thing: How naturally happy you are all the time.

Daddy’s favourite thing: Your full on laugh!

Teeth: I’ve lost count really- its approaching the full set now!!!!!

Hair: Lots of it and very blonde with all the sunshine we’ve been having!

Skills: loads of language stuff, climbing up and sliding down his slide, loads of playground type skills. Knowing where things are like our home or knowing that the gate leads out into the world beyond. Riding his little fire engine around the living room. Putting things into other things. 

Best thing that’s happened since I last wrote: The amazing news about how well his heart

 is doing and the confidence that he gives us each day that he is the healthiest of babies.

Just after my last letter

Just before this post