You at 2

 I’m finally carving out the time in our crazy busy life to write an update about you. I began the last one bang on schedule back in November on a particularly crazy day; Your nap was rather shorter than I’d been betting on, you woke up, I told myself I’d carry on writing it later and then suddenly 4 months had gone by. Today you are 2 years and 12 days old and I find reflecting back on the last 7 months almost impossible. Its so hard to think back on any other time in your life. I remember your Aunite Liz saying once, when you were both so new that because the focus on the here and now is so intense it makes it really hard to remember what has gone before. I look at other new born, 6 month old, year old, 18 month old children and wonder if it can ever really have been that I used to have one of those? Can you really have been anything other than 2 years old? It seems that the you now is the you that has always been, which I suppose is true… but where you ever littler than this? Surely not. As you are reading this you will be thinking one of two things, depending on where you are in your life. 1. You have no children of your own and you are thinking “what the hell are you talking about?” or 2. You have children of your own and you’re thinking “I know exactly what you are talking about!” If it is the latter, oh my god I can’t believe I’m a grandmother!!!!! I’m still a mere child myself! (I’m assuming I’ll still feel that then, as right now that feeling is showing no signs of leaving!)

Why do I always feel like you're wiser than me?

So what are you like right now? You’re so many things that its hard to narrow it down or decided whats best to capture first. I suppose really we should start with the sea. You are crazy about sea creatures. That’s your big thing. You are obsessed! We all try and pinpoint when it began. I think back in November you were really interested when I was making some puppets for one of my shows- a shark and a puffer fish to be precise- and maybe that was when I first noticed it. Father Christmas also noticed and so he gave you a cylinder full of sea creatures and that’s really where your love blossomed. Every day for months now your first port of call in the morning is that cylinder. You come to one of us and say “apen” (for “open”) and then you’re away. You could occupy yourself all day with those little toys. You randomly shout out the word “shark” at various points in the day. We’ve heard you say the words “baby shark adoo” in your sleep. I really can’t overstate this. You love sea creatures. So, naturally, your birthday was very much sea themed. On the day itself (after a lot of research and deliberating) we decided to take you to the Aquarium and it was wonderful. You got to see your two absolute favourties: Sharks and turtles. Right at the start we walked over a glass floor that looked down on the shark tank. I tried to let go of your hand but you wouldn’t let me, not because you were scared of the sharks but because you were scared that, without me to hold you up you’d fall right through the floor. I treasure these moments that I feel you really need me. You have such a powerful independent streak (always have) and I know you won’t stay needing me to reassure you for long. You loved the aquarium and as well as seeing many of your old favourites you also got to meet sea creatures you’d never heard of like Lobsters which you are calling loberst. Close enough.  Last Sunday we had a big party for you which was, of course, sea themed. I decorated the lounge in all your favourites. We had squid in the corner, Jelly fish on the windows, a shark lurking behind crepe paper sea weed, an octopus with paper chain tentacles hiding behind the door and a shoal of fish swimming across the wall. You wore Narwhal dungarees that I had especially made and a beach themed cake that I made myself. It was lovely to see your reaction to all of this; the excitement at recognising all the different sea creatures that had taken over the room you see every day. I am still exhausted from that party and I kind of imagine I always will be! 

The Oceanographer at work.

Your word count is vast now and it goes without saying that a lot of these words are sea themed. Some of your sea life words are impressively accurate:

Orca for Orca

Walrus for Walrus 

Coral for Coral 

Others are more your take on the theme:

Wid for squid 

Ofish for Jelly fish

Opopus for Octopus

And some are totally mystifying creations of your own chosing:

Pap for Dolphin… every single time. 

You do say lots of other types of words too. Loads of none sea related animals: like Ehtant (for Elephant) Heepo (for hippo) and Lilon (for Lion). You say Tiger and Giraffe and Hyena and Dog and Cat, of course as well as puppy and kitten;  the animal list is endless. You can also list vehicles and food endlessly too and you have a good vocabulary of colours and numbers, although you have some trouble applying these to the correct shades and figures, respectively meaning yellows are often identified as reds or counting often becomes 1,2,4,8. You’re thinking outside societal norms and we whole-heartedly support that. As well as single words you have an increasing list of phrases we all enjoy.   You say “Love oo” for Love you, which is so sweet it almost feels like you’re doing it on purpouse. You say “Hanon a minute”, when something doesn’t seem quite right to you,  “wherezigone”-all one word- used when something has disappeared, usually something you have hidden behind your own back and you often volunteer the phrase “bottle and bed” when you’re ready to retire for the evening (sorry other Mums who are reading this- yes, my kid volunteers to go to bed! What can I say!) (Also sorry future me who I’m guessing won’t be feeling so smug any more now she hasn’t been able to keep up the miracle of having a child who loves going to bed)! 

You're clearly the least filled with Christmas cheer.

Your linguistic trajectory has been so steep that its pulled focus from lots of other developments in your world. We took you to the dentist for the first time the other day and it turns out you have all your first set of teeth already! (by we, I meant Matt, just thought I’d give myself some undue credit there) It seems crazy to think that that’s it for you and teething, forever. (Woohoo!!!!)  Well until you get your wisdom teeth through, which at the rate you grow up will probably be in about 6 months! Now, we just have to look after this precious set of teeth. You’ve always hated having your teeth done but recently you’ve been really keen and will always ask to brush teeth which you are doing more thoroughly, with less help, by the day.  I think its helped that I play you this annoying song by some Youtube lunatic/children’s entertainer called Blippi, all about the unparalleled joy of brushing your teeth: you seem to have bought into it. It’s the only thing on Youtube I let you watch after I saw a rather horrifying Ted Talk about children and Youtube. Since then it’s the weird Blippi teeth brushing song or nothing! Something else you’ve come to enjoy after 18 months of pure hatred, is bath time. Suddenly, you’re asking for baths all the time. You still don’t want to have your hair washed but you get on with it a lot more than you used to and that’s’ good enough for me!

I’m trying to take your turn around on both baths and teeth brushing as a good sign of things to come in other areas of your life. For example food; you’re not the best eater. You only eat little bits of things still, you seem to have lots of things that you love for a while and then lose interest in. Like strawberries. You were mental for them and now, you’re not bothered. Or Rice, it was always a go to and suddenly you’re over it! I’m hoping the chilled out mum approach is going to be work here too and that one day you’ll  be a hearty eater. 

For the first time in your life we regularly attend a baby group. It’s a singing group on a Wednesday and you absolutely love it. You made one of the other Mums laugh the other week when, in the middle of the class you came running towards me delightedly shouting “Singing. Singing”. You’re getting to the point now where you know the songs as they come up. Each one has different props; spiders, ribbons, bubbles, musical instruments etc and you’re beginning to know to put the props back at the right time and wait until prompted to play with each new prop. At first it was so frustrating for you to see things and be told you couldn’t play with them but now you seem to trust that you’ll get to play with things eventually.  I am of course, delighted from a purely professional perspective, that you are beginning to understand the etiquette of props and therefore the theatre. Although it must be said despite my hopes to discourage you from a life in the theatre, I already see that you gravitate towards the stage area- sometimes I have to literally drag you off it in fact! 

Getting to know your sweet little cousin Juno

You continue to have a sweet and caring side along with all your boisterous energy. The other day I saw you putting a toy baby into a carry coat and walking around with it. You have a clear best friend in Sonny, who you look up to with all your heart but I also love seeing you get on with other children. Last week you gave two kisses to the twin girls you’d been playing with, without being prompted by me. You love to kiss and hug us all too- on your own terms, of course. 

I couldn’t do any kind of update without mentioning your love, and my love for that matter, of Cbeebies. When I first started out I thought I was going to be a no screen time kind of a Mum and I still often feeling pangs of guilt that I should align myself more with that kind of parenting but actually I think the right kind of TV has had a wonderful effect on you. I am so impressed with Cbeebies and love that it’s teaching you so much about the diversity of mankind, about music, about machinery, about animals. Cbeebies seems to paint a picture of this inclusive, beautiful world and I hope that seeing this world on the screen will in some way encourage your generation to make it a reality as you create the future you inhabit.  If nothing else, it keeps you distracted while I get things done. Some of your favourites are Bing, Hey Duggee, Magic Hands, Pablo, Something Special, Octonauts, Andy’s adventures. Also, your lovely face appeared on Cbeebies house the other week when your birthday card was featured! Me and your Dad spent a Sunday afternoon making you a giant birthday card and sent it in. We were so happy to see you on there!!!! 

Making THE birthday card. 

To sum up, these last few months have seen your personality, your interests, your tastes emerge more and more. You still hold on to so much of your babiness but we’re also seeing the little boy you will become emerge more and more and it fills me with the hope that I am doing something very right. 

As for me and motherhood, my mental health is so much better than it has been. I’ve been having some really great therapy for the past few months and it has helped me so much. I still get lots of the same scary feelings but I know I can manage things now. I’m calmer, and happier, I forgive myself more readily and I relax more. It’s such a relief to feel ok for much longer periods of time. Sometimes I worry it makes me a less attentive mother but then I have to remind myself that I’m still being very attentive, I’m just not as unhealthily obsessed as I once was and that can only be a good thing for you. I’m letting go of the idea of perfection and easing into everything more. Even as I write that I feel so much guilt. I want to cling on to perfection- You deserve nothing less, after all, but I know that its not possible to achieve it and that in trying to it just pushes joy away from us both. It feels like a tricky balance but I’m getting there. 

I feel like I have lots more to update but in the interest of letting go of perfection, I’ll leave it there. I could never fully capture the hilariousness, the energy, the sweetness, the tenderness, the youness, but I feel like I’ve had a good go at it, and now I must go to bed to snuggle up with you, as we still do each night and prepare for another day of adventures tomorrow. 

You as you are now, happy, funny and wonderful!