A letter to you at 4 years old

 My darling boy, another year has gone by and what a year it has been. Last year I reflected on the many adventures we’d had and I’m amazed to realise just how many adventures we’ve managed in these extraordinary and restricted times. We have always stayed deep within the Covid guidelines and yet somehow, we’ve done so much. I talked about how I wanted to make this a happy time for you no matter what and I do think I have mostly achieved it, despite being grumpier and more impatient than I would ever have liked to be! 

At the beginning of the year we threw ourselves into a million and one activities. About 15 times a day you would bring the “5-Minute Mum” activity book over to me, eager to be provided with more entertainment. We took to making lots of dens with blankets and sofas and watching movies (mostly Frozen related). We flirted for a brief spell with “quiet time” where I would read and you would play calm games- this even lead to some day time naps which now seem like a thing of the distant past. We started working on the “letter of the day” and you became brilliant with your alphabet, which has now lead on to phonics and some reading skills. We both thrived on being outdoors lots more than ever before. Where we live it is so easy to escape into what feels like the deep countryside, with meadows, fields and woods just a stone’s throw away. It wasn’t until lockdown that I truly knew we had done the right thing for our family by moving here but our location has been a blessing.  We went on so many lovely walks- we’d create little lists of things to spot for us to tick offas we found them: I’d add things like “blossom on the trees” you’d add things like “a dinosaur driving a car”, which you’d always manage to spot. A Favourite trip out we took was when I gave you the camera and you had to take photos of certain things along the way. I saved all your photos in an album- your not a bad little photographer! Our very own Ansel Adams in training. 

One day in early lockdown, feeling sorry for Matt not having much variety and NEVER getting the chance to play on his retro video games, I decided to suggest that on a Sunday afternoon maybe the two of you could play some together. I had no idea what I was setting off! To say you have LOVED them is an understatement. At about 4 O’clock til dinner’s ready, every Sunday, You and Daddy play some retro video games. You have no comparison so no idea that the graphics are shoddy, you just love them. They’ve weirdly taught you a lot as well. Your fine motor skills have improved, you’ve gained loads of useful knowledge like names of Greek gods from one of the games you play and its even helped you to understand the passage of time and the days of the week, as you are  always checking how many days away til you can play video games. It has also lead to my favourite ever anecdote of you. One of your favourite games is called “ghouls and ghosts” and one of the bosses in that is a swarm of bees that join together to become a giant bee. This is called “Bee-elzebub”. One day in summer, Daddy took you to the park and you were playing with a little girl who began chasing you around the playground. You began squealing, flailing your arms around and shouting “Bee-elzebub, Bee-elzebub” at the top of your voice!!! I can only imagine what her parents must have been thinking about our child who had clearly been primed to look out for demons at every turn!

 

In terms of your development I would say this year has definitely been the year of imaginative play. You are brilliant at it and want to do it at every single turn. I thought this would be my forte but I’m afraid I’m a bit useless at it!!! You did invent a most brilliant game for me the other day. You are Bowser, Daddy is Iggy cooper (Mario bosses because EVERYTHING manages to have some kind of retro video game reference) and I have to sit on the sofa brushing my hair (“like Rapunzel”) I’m not allowed to move off the sofa. I am allowed to throw the occasional cushion at Daddy and try and defeat him. THIS I could play all day everyday! 

 

In the summer lockdown eased so much and I actually find it bizarre how much we did. After 6 months, in early June we took a day trip half way to Yorkshire to meet Grandma and Grandad who came down to meet us. Not seeing them has definitely been the saddest part of lockdown for me as they don’t have any access to the internet so we have hardly any contact. We miss them and I know how much they are missing you, their pride and joy! We did finally go and spend a few days with them in summer, which was so precious for all of us. Driffield is a second home to all of us and I’ve really missed visiting. While we were up there we managed to fit in couple of trips to local beaches. One was packed and we left pretty quickly and the other we had almost entirely to ourselves. We spotted crabs hiding under a rock and a seal out in the water. Just yesterday you said to me how you wanted to go to the beach. I can not wait to take you there again. There is nothing like sea air and I think we’re all longing for it! Luckily, you did get a few more chances to be by the sea last year, on a couple of adventures:

 

When lockdown began to ease we were allowed to add Nanny into our bubble. Until that point we only saw her once a week when shed drop some bits off to us and sit in the car with the door open while we sat on the doorstep. She brought you a lot of pressies in that time- mostly Frozen themed!!! But when we bubbled up we took some real adventures together. We went swimming in a river in Oxford on a magical sunny day and then we went on yours (and nanny’s!!!!) First ever camping trip which we all absolutely loved!!! We chose Somerset as lots of our ancestors (on my Dads side) are from that neck of the woods. Turns out Somerset is a wonderful county and has a bit of everything, so we included in our trip asome beach time! But Cheddar gorge was our favourite discovery. I loved the views and you loved standing in front of a closed ice cream shop imagining what flavour you would buy from the poster outside… So something for everyone. You really impressed me by walking the long walk to the top of the gorge via “Jacobs ladder”. Even though you made it to the top no problem, you were pretty angry about that walk for some weeks to come!!! On the way home we took you to Bristol Aquarium which blew your sea creature loving mind! 

 

At the end of summer we had the most brilliant holiday in Cornwall. We all said how special it felt to be there after being so restricted for so long! It fills me with so much joy that you are growing up to love Cornwall the way we all do in this family. It is so important to all of us and you’ll be going there a lot over the years so it works out really well that you love it to! Even better we went to our childhood holiday camp and you loved it! We’ve already booked to go back in September!On the last trip we celebrated your darling Auntie Janet’s birthday on Grandpa’s rock above our favourite beach. Then (with lots of help from Mick and Chris) we made it along the tricky path and onto the beach below. The water was so warmand you did lots of splashing about with Janet. This was also the day of another of my favourite Teddy stories. You’re vegan, we talk a lot about how we do this because we love animals but I’ve been really careful never to talk negatively about the way anybody else eats. I don’t think that’s the right approach- To be honest, I think you probably just assumed that everyone or almost everyone was vegan until this point. Well, on this day you ended up playing with some older boys who’d manage to find some fish and pop them in a rockpool. Somehow it came up that they ate the fish. To you these little boys instantly became monstrous psychopaths. You are no meek, shockable wallflower and you let them have it! Back and forth the argument went and included excellent lines from you like “If you eat fish you have to eat BEES!”. As we walked up the cliff to go home you shouted down at the boys one last time “YOU WILL NEVER EAT FISH, EVER, EVER AGAIN!!!!!!” as if cursing them once and for all! I was equalparts embarrassed and deeply proud of my ferocious, brave boy. 

 

I could talk about each day of the last year at such length butinstead I thought I’d quickly whip through some other special  moments from the year: Rushmere Forest – you stopping all the passers by to tell everyone “the rules” which basically means singing  “never smile at a crocodile” to them. Sleep overs at Nanny’s house, dancing to Christmas songs all the way to March. Elf on the shelf and two advent calendars on the run up to Christmas. The magic of your new bedroom and the Shop at Nanny’s house on Christmas day. Home Cinema days. All the sweet treats. How much you love Halloween and going for a Halloween walk around the neighbourhood. Managing to squeeze in our yearly tradition of bonfire night with Liz and Sonny before lockdown 2. Adding in some world celebrations: Diwali, Thanksgiving, Lunar New year. Easter Sunday walk a roast dinner in the garden and another easter egg hunt. The day you claim is your favourite: HEART DAY- a treasure hunt of presents around the house I’d decorated with hearts and a trip to the river. Precious time spent with Juno and Natalie: The list goes on.   

This year has seen a lot of changes for you. On  a development level you still had a night bottle at the age of 3and a dummy at night until you were 3 and a half. I have always made a conscious choice to really allow you to go through these stages at your own pace. I hope it has been the right choice. You certainly have adapted so well to these changes and it has always felt so easy, when those times have come. Of course, lockdown has bought us all so many changes, not least of all having Daddy working from home all year. We’ve both become very comfortable with having him around! You still mention Zoomania all the time even though you haven’t been in well over a year! Often you and Daddy will look at pictures of it on his big computer screen and take a virtual tour around. It breaks my heart how something so basic has become almost mythically exciting to you! Another big change has been that you go to your nursery 3 mornings a week. It is a magical outdoor space with wonderful imaginative staff and lots of child lead learning. Your favourite member of staff is Natalie, who does the singing and your best friend is Billy who you talk about all the time and has become a feature of the made up stories I tell you! It hasn’t been an easy ride- at first you were devastated, I underestimated how long a day was going to be for you, you were lonely and sad and acted out. I would drive away (yep, I can drive now) feeling absolutely crushed and unsure that I was doing the right thing, but I just kept hoping that my instinct about this wonderful nursery was right and that you would settle down and with some reshuffling and help from the staff, you really have found your feet. You still have your moments but every day you come home beaming and excited. Your nursery just won a national award for “Play” and I am so excited that you get to be a part of that environment!

 

The biggest change, maybe in your whole life, has been happening gradually over the last 9 months but will truly happen in the next few weeks as you become a big brother. I think this has thrown you in lots of ways. You’re excited. You hug my bump and tell it you love it. You talk lots about the baby very happily but then you also get angry sometimes when I bring it up or you test the waters by telling me you don’t love the baby. You bought them a toy but now you cry or get angry if we talk about wrapping it up because actually the toy is for you! And then, it’s your favourite toy for just about long enough to prove your point and then your not interested in it again. I’ve also noticed that your more scared of everything than you have ever been. I think you are trying to show us that you are still need our protection. Then at other points you are trying to assert your fierce independence and control. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster! I have a lot of hope that when the baby is here you will settle a bit more- when you can see first hand how loved and important you still are and always will be. We have a couple of nice things in the pipe line designed to make you feel as special and loved as you are. As hard as it is you are our main motivation in wanting to have a second. I hope that giving you the gift of a sibling will be as precious and wonderful a gift as I could ever give you and you will be able to support and love one another even when we are long gone. If nothing else who better than a sibling to slag your Mum and Dad off to? And we certainly give you plenty of cause for complaint, I’m sure. 

 Personally, I have struggled so much with my mental health this whole time and you have been forgiving, kind and patient with me at every turn I sometimes feel like roles are reversed and you’re guiding me more than I’m guiding you. I often say to myself “what have I done to deserve this boy”.  

So here we are, approaching another lockdown birthday- now that is something I could not have imagined writing last year! Not one but two birthdays affected by Covid! But despite it all we have memories from another year of your brilliant, often overwhelming energy in our lives. You are a fireball and we couldn’t be prouder. I made a few tentative predictions last year that came true, so I thought I’d add some to this. I hope this year brings you many fun times with your sibling and your new baby cousin, I hope you have lots of peaceful moments. I hope we have holidays and trips out to add to the list and perhaps most importantly, I hope you finally get to go back to Zoomania! 

 

All our love darling boy, Happy 4th Birthday!

 

Mummy and Daddy xxx