Barnaby's first letter

Dear Barnaby Logan, 

I’ve been your mummy now for 14 weeks so I thought it was high time I wrote to you! Plus I have loads of important things to be getting on with so what better way than this to procrastinate! 

 I just lay down with you in bed and I felt suddenly as if I had time travelled in. As if, at some future date somebody had said to me “you can travel back in time to your most precious moment” and I had chosen right then as you lay sleeping. I put my hand on your chest and felt you breath and I could not believe my luck that I get to be your mother.  

So far you have been an absolute dream. I write this with rose tinted glasses because really the early days had points of terror. When you were two days old you were taken into the neonatal intensive care unit. It was all too painfully familiar. Again,  I felt as if I’d time travelled but this time to recreate the hardest days of my life. After everything we went through with your darling brother I was convinced we were going to go through the worst this time. We had a harrowing night with you on a brain monitor- a series of probes digging into your little head all night- that was one of the hardest times of my life. As soon as there were any questions raised and after we’d gone through heart surgery with Teddy, it just felt beyond probable that we would be dealing with brain surgery with you! Why would this be anything other than the worst? When the monitoring period was over and we received an almost nonchalant “all looks fine”, I couldn’t have been more surprised. I’d stayed up all night texting your dad (who couldn’t be by my side because of the covid restrictions),  both of us desperately willing ourselves to hear good news but fearing the worst, and here was that good news we’d barely believed possible.  You were bought back to be with me: my sweet little boy with nothing more than a nasty infection. The biggest problem we had then was that you were really lopsided, always favouring leaning your head to the left. As soon as I could we took you to see the chiropractor who helped me so much when I was pregnant and after a few sessions you were so much more comfortable and relaxed. Less colicky too, which was really tough in the first few weeks. It’s funny because until the chiropractor, really you were quite a distressed baby a lot of the time. Even one of the midwives said words to that effect but I always felt I could sense that underneath that you were a very chilled out and easy-going person and that it was just some serious discomfort that was holding you back from your natural contentedness. Well, that has proven to be absolutely true. You are just so relaxed and happy always an eager smile at the ready. 

 

So,to go back a bit, after a hell of a week in hospital capped off by an extremely long and frustrating discharge day, we were out those hospital doors and on our way. I never want to forget that that first night home (we got home a touch before midnight on the Friday) we sat on the sofa, watching a Fleetwood Mac documentary and you were mesmerised. Even by this early on sound had already played an important part in your life. The first song you ever listened to, maybe only an hour after you were born as we lay in the delivery suite just me, you and Daddy was “Above all else be kind” by Ajimal- a song I’d discovered a few weeks before and had been playing on repeat to your brother at bedtime. I know it sounds ludicrous to say about a few hours old baby but your face lit up. You opened your eyes and seemed to really listen to the music. It was true magic.  The other song I listened to on repeat that week was Courage by Villagers. A song that seemed to sum up the whole journey to having you. After everything we went through with Teddy it was an act of bravery to go through that again and here you were and I could finally feel that it was all worth it. That song just brought that feeling home to me. The other beautiful moments we had with sound was having online sound healing sessions with our amazing friend Mike. We had one group class and we had one individual session designed for us and I would say they were profound moments in both of our lives. Even though that week was so hard, when I think back to those sound healings, I am filled with joy.  

Back to the sofa and Fleetwood Mac. There we were, you mesmerised me, eating cold Chinese food, Daddy looking like he’d bitten of more than he could chew. There was just one thing missing. My mum had had teddy for the week and I had never in my life missed anything as much as I missed him. Every time I thought about him, I’d cry. I still feel like crying thinking about how much I missed him even though he’s only upstairs! I ached to be together again. You’d had so many facetime chats with him and we knew he was beyond excited to meet you. I did actually sneak out of hospital to sit with him in the car while you were in intensive care. It wasn’t until he recoiled from me when I went to hug him that I even considered what a scary sight I was: drained looking, bruised all over from failed atempts to find a decent vein and with a badly covered canular sticking out of my hand. But despite his initial horror he adapted quickly. He went from saying “don’t touch me with that hand” to “can I squeeze it” within a matter of 15 minutes! Even though I had seen him briefly, I couldn’t wait for him to back with us as a family. Nanny brought him back to meet us the next morning and it was more wonderful than I ever could have imagined! Teddy had developed a very special giddy laugh just for you Barnaby. He was kind and caring and so excited. It hasn’t always been easy for Teddy- he's so used to being an only child and the single object of our focus; sharing the limelight is not something he’s had much practice at and he’s not that happy about it a lot of the time but his love for you is powerful! Jumping forward in time to just this week, you and me booked an advert and teddy proudly wanted to call as many people as he could to tell them the good news. Only afterwards did he say, while hugging you “I wish I could be on an advert”! That sums it up really. He loves you first and feels sorry for himself second. Another recent quote which I had to include was him saying, in a moment where you needed some comfort: “it’s ok Barnaby, everybody loves you!” Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the love you get from your brother is a rough housing heavy kind of love but I hope that the gentler moments stay in my mind like when we went to a hotel and you both were having trouble sleeping in the hot room and you both final fell asleep with Teddy sweetly holding your dummy in for you.  

A couple of weeks back you had your first holiday. We went to the lake district where we spent the week with your grandparents, which felt extra special after so long away from them during lockdown. You had met them when you were three weeks old but just for an afternoon in a park in Nottingham so it was wonderful to get a real chunk of time with them. I loved seeing both Grandad and Grandma making you smile and you making them smile in return. Also you were amazing, in the evenings we’d go for long drives and the two of you would sleep while me and Daddy chatted and took in the scenery. Bliss.  

Probably the biggest and most important thing to have happened in you little life is the birth of your little cousin Alfie Gordon. Just 13 days after you born little Alfie became the newest member of the family.  One of my favourite moments so far has been putting you boys side by side and watching you calm each other down. What a special thing it will be to have your cousin so close in age to you. I really hope you grow up as close as I feel to my cousins. There is nothing more I could wish for you than having a cousin gang like I had growing up!  

Well here we are slipping gently away from the newborn stage. I think when I look back this time it will be a fog of pumping, cuddling and broken sleep. I hope I always remember your sweet milky smell, your huge gummy smiles, and the loving gazes you give me. I had a moment the other day when I looked at you two boys and thought “I am really alive right now. It may be hard, but when I look back in years to come, this will all be remembered as simply fantastic living”. 

I think on that note I’ll sign off on this, your first ever letter. Thank you for everything that you’ve given us so far. I can not believe I get to keep you.

Love from 

Mummy xxxx

(And daddy too!)