Fear Fish in the Actors Sea

A (not too) depressing word on REJECTION

Typical! I'm about to write a blog post about rejection and a very sad Jeff Buckley comes on my iTunes, just to really make sure I'm at my lowest ebb! I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, thank you very much Jeff! Lets save your soulful heartache for another time!
I don't normally talk about big personal problems like this because I have developed a totally healthy policy of bottling up and repressing all my sad feelings and only revealing them to a couple of people, particularly my husband, in short traumatic bursts, like some sort of emotional flasher, only instead of a penis it is the dark inner workings of my mind that will be forever scorched on the memory. I never dare to be vulnerable. I want everyone to see me as strong, unshakable, proud, successful and happy. I work very hard at these things and a lot of the time I achieve them but not always, not always by any means! I am making a conscious choice to share my more vulnerable side here and open up, inspired by Earnest Hemmingway who said "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed". Now, I don't have a typewriter but I shall attempt to (metaphorically) bleed all over my MacBook! Here goes: REJECTION HURTS!!!!! OWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I am going to focus on professional and artistic rejection. I suppose I am super lucky because, although I have had lots of actory-type rejection, I've never really felt any other kind. I bet that's really galling for a lot of people who have experienced romantic rejection or even rejection from their families. I can only imagine these are even more painful but perhaps there is a common ground here and whatever the cause or however deeply painful the experience, we all share some common rejection themes.
In my profession it happens all the time and you also see it happen to your actor friends all the time too. In the last couple of weeks not only have I felt it badly myself but I've watched two very good friends heart's break when jobs they've been working unbelievably hard to gain, slip past them! It is horrible to see as you stand by knowing all the advice, jokes and cuddles won't stop them from hurting and knowing the next blow for all of you is just around the corner. Who'd be an actor, eh? You would think the more it happens the easier it would be, and often that's true. A great job can come along, I don't get it and honestly, I don't feel that bad- I just take the news, bid adieu to that dream and walk on, unhindered. I pat myself on the back and think, "Brilliant, I have risen above the earthly realm of worries and sorrow and shall henceforth be entirely strong and happy"!!!! Other times a job will come along and when I don't get it I am momentarily but entirely and painfully crushed. Sometimes the dream of the job is so lovely that you just can't bear not to live it out in real life.
Let my try and explain how rejection feels from my point of view. Come into my imagination for a moment: You are bobbing along quite happily in the deep sea. You're jumping and frolicking about, enjoying the waves when a ship comes by. You are smiling and waving at the people on board, who are smiling and waving back at you. Suddenly someone from the ship hurls a huge, heavy weight at you. You sort of catch it very hard with your stomach and it drags you down. You sink, sink, sink very fast in shock and then you remember you can let go of the weight so you do and swim, swim, swim ever so slowly, towards the surface but before you reach you must swim through a giant shoal fish but the fish aren't really fish at all, they're your worst fears. Finally you make it through the fish, you reach the surface and float around dazed as you catch your breath. Pretty soon you start to notice that you're gently and pleasantly bobbing on the waves and then you remember that it's actually quite lovely in the sea, even with the occasional heavy weight to catch, it's worth it. Wow thanks for sharing that sustained metaphor with me; Hemingway would be proud! (Side note: I've just read the Old Man and the Sea, so not only do I have Hemingway on the brain but extended oceanic metaphors as well, apparently!).
Here's the thing about rejection you can't cushion yourself from it all the time and you can't prepare for it either. I was reading an article the other day on reasons why people don't get cast (link below-I highly recommend it). It was is very informative, totally rational and presents lots of reasons why you shouldn't feel at all disheartened when you don't get a job. In the moment of sinking rejection, however, it didn't do me any good at all! I was surrounded by loving people sharing kind and honest words of comfort, I am so grateful to them for that but it in the worst moments their love still can't take away that dreadful feeling! No matter who is with you or what advice you have ringing in your ears, rejection is a lonely place occupied by nothing but you and your worst fears! You alone have to face that shoal of fear fish, as they say things like "if you can't get this job you'll never get anything", "You're stupid for thinking you can make it", "Everyone is laughing at you" "it's your own fault you didn't get this" and other such mean things (did I mention they were talking fear fish). In the middle of the shoal it's impossible, to avoid self doubt. I can think of three occasions when I have felt extreme levels of crushing disappointment and each of those times I questioned my staying power in the profession... and then felt guilty for questioning it. Acting is a funny old thing! It doesn't feel like something you do, it feels like something you are and when people don't want what you do then it feels like they don't want you, that who you are, isn't good enough. That is what makes it hurt so much but it is also what guides me back to the surface of the water because there isn't another option for me: This job is too much of who I am to ever walk away. Whether or not I get the job I will keep going, no matter how many times I have to catch that heavy weight, no matter how deep I sink, no matter how big or loud my shoal of talking fear fish; I am an actress and I will always frolic in the waves again!
Well that's enough metaphorical bleeding for one day, now to find a metaphorical plaster... and by plaster I mean cup of tea and a whole load of biscuits!

http://bittergertrude.com/2014/05/21/why-you-didnt-get-cast/